by ty

A little note; it isn’t part of the de(xei)mber project I’m working on but just a normal blog post like I’ve done countless of times even though it isn’t a rant either.

The five-day trip to Bangkok and Pattaya brought me some sources of inspiration to cure my seemingly endless writing draught. Being a group package tour, it indicated being left in confined spaces with unfamiliar individuals and people, which we would never get acquainted with properly in the years to come. It was also the largest flaw in the entire holiday because being the awkward person I am, eating with unfamiliar faces circling the dinner table felt extremely disconcerting and the constant presence of conflicting auras often left me squirming for comfort. I’m probably not the only one with such issues, judging from the manner in which food was often left behind on the turntable after the end of each meal. That being said, the odd feeling of emptiness at the end of the fleeting five days left me a little befuddled. Being around these people for five days or so, I gradually grew used to being surrounded by people and things being relatively lively in some sense. I gradually grew used to the feeling of trembling slightly at the dinner table while being careful of my every movement, I gradually grew used to trying to adapt. Adapting is something that I haven’t grasped; something, which I often have, issues fathoming. Perhaps around the menacing dinner table, others find comfort and build conversations with each other simply. There isn’t a single hint of quandary or hesitation and syllables piece themselves together in the right orders; the best manners possible and their words are sugarcoated subtly with the finest grains of white lies. Their laughter is confusing, teetering between genuine warmth and metallic detachment, between tears and ecstasy. This trip was informative, bringing me to places in my head which I had never reached – it let me witness how much my anxiety affected me, how I couldn’t cope with unsettling circumstances. There was once at the dining table with 2 unfamiliar souls in which I trembled through the entire meal, my hands no longer sufficiently obedient and sober to listen to my attempts to stabilize myself – and the presence of others speaking and interacting increased the discomfort, causing wavering speeches and trembling lips in an attempt to smile.

I made a trip to Clementi earlier this morning with my mother and we found ourselves in the topic of dreams. The nightmares returned after the trip to Thailand and I began running once again from people in my dreams. She decided that it was because I wasn’t strong emotionally and spiritually. I agreed on this point, but I’m utterly clueless as to how to improve on this aspect. It feels as though my spiritual and emotional strength has been a trait that caved itself into the crevices of my entire being and its difficult to add walls of protection against its reserves of acids that ruin these foundations. It’s a little confusing and tacky but I’ll need to get there eventually.

I’ve lost contact with several friends in fl, and I don’t really understand how people drift apart so easily. But I guess it makes the process simpler, being a little catalyst to support me leaving fl properly. Perhaps after effulgentrp grows silent I’ll leave roleplay entirely and that’d make next year a little bit better albeit empty and quieter.