sayang

by ty

It’s been awhile since i wrote anything remotely unfiltered, but christmas and the end of the year sounds like a good time to reflect a little. maybe i just need to remind myself that i’m really fortunate and blessed with many things – and i should be a little more thankful.

this year in short, has been a year of firsts. beginning from hostel: bets on whether we will get through the year without getting angry with each other while falling asleep at our respective tables barely 100cm away from each other with the roommate, always taking leave and going back to a pitch black room on mondays, sticking to the 11pm lights off rule and having – a pretty anti-climatic to most – but exciting enough hostel year for my tired soul.

in terms of writing, i’ve been blessed with a lot of wonderful opportunities and i’ve grown, personally and on a writing level. even though i’ve become increasingly filtered in more ways than one, it’s worth when i’ve found a voice – somewhat. with the few mentorship experiences this year, i’ve been exposed to new perspectives, learnt to be raw and sincere while keeping layers and sheets pressed against the surface.

another of these firsts include learning about what i feel about myself as an individual, be it identity, gender, sexuality, personality, anxiety, insecurities. (what’s the difference between insecurity and not being able to trust people? small thought.) revisiting these supposedly fixed or natural traits took a few months filled with apprehensive googling, watching every possible relevant video on youtube and talking to a few friends – and eventually i came to a conclusion which i am ultimately comfortable with. granted, i’m still hesitant about talking and writing about it proudly, sticking to dropping timid captions and tints of these ideas in writing instead. but eventually it should get, easier i suppose.

this year has, honestly been harder than i expected it to be. after screwing most of the social events up, stumbling through school life with heavy eyelids and soft jackets, starting a document on google drive to write and store inspirations – i’m beginning to reconsider my priorities and have found a blurry (but it’s still something) idea of what i’d like to pursue (even though i probably, won’t.)

tldr; i am extremely thankful to those who have been patient with my tired confused self this year, especially the fam, the roommate, the senpai-feels-cloud, those who have convinced me that i’m more than my salt and angst (haha) and those who have indirectly or directly inspired me to believe that my identity might not be that much of an abnormality, and perhaps even all the anger filled experiences – for helping me grow increasingly guarded, indifferent in some situations and yet more aware and comfortable in my own skin.

also, a nice song to reflect with: stars / future generations
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