印月

this is all we have

그럴 텐데 ( i would )

 

let’s forget
all things that fell

together apart into

each half-light, the selfsame
shade of blue extending along
flat planes

tipping over the edges,
circling in coffee-filled bottles,
spiralling in the glare of

your shadow

but think about
the lazy rain and our

(once)

lazier smiles smirks
scowls and hazy sighs –
or perhaps nothing

at all.


more for personal venting than anything, haven’t written in ages; for one i’ve held too much guilt for, and missed too much in my memories until i realised that there’s really no reason for me to still be doing this.

till sunrise

was it the blade of
honey between our          fingers,
lapsed amongst soft
cuts and thin
sleeves

that             swept us up like
a circular refrain, knuckles clashing
against the            constant
backdrop of

irregular typefaces,
dried tea
                leaves,
bated breaths?

see, they say people can hear
you if you think of them
hard enough, even if
they’re seven
hours, two
tiles

one thought away

and so i repeat

is this it?

emergency guidelines

please hold on:

release
that long haul
breath

into pale hands

stow it secure
amidst the stars over
your head

and jump
onto the soft

silent raft; see,
the truth is i

twilit

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sayang

It’s been awhile since i wrote anything remotely unfiltered, but christmas and the end of the year sounds like a good time to reflect a little. maybe i just need to remind myself that i’m really fortunate and blessed with many things – and i should be a little more thankful.

this year in short, has been a year of firsts. beginning from hostel: bets on whether we will get through the year without getting angry with each other while falling asleep at our respective tables barely 100cm away from each other with the roommate, always taking leave and going back to a pitch black room on mondays, sticking to the 11pm lights off rule and having – a pretty anti-climatic to most – but exciting enough hostel year for my tired soul.

in terms of writing, i’ve been blessed with a lot of wonderful opportunities and i’ve grown, personally and on a writing level. even though i’ve become increasingly filtered in more ways than one, it’s worth when i’ve found a voice – somewhat. with the few mentorship experiences this year, i’ve been exposed to new perspectives, learnt to be raw and sincere while keeping layers and sheets pressed against the surface.

another of these firsts include learning about what i feel about myself as an individual, be it identity, gender, sexuality, personality, anxiety, insecurities. (what’s the difference between insecurity and not being able to trust people? small thought.) revisiting these supposedly fixed or natural traits took a few months filled with apprehensive googling, watching every possible relevant video on youtube and talking to a few friends – and eventually i came to a conclusion which i am ultimately comfortable with. granted, i’m still hesitant about talking and writing about it proudly, sticking to dropping timid captions and tints of these ideas in writing instead. but eventually it should get, easier i suppose.

this year has, honestly been harder than i expected it to be. after screwing most of the social events up, stumbling through school life with heavy eyelids and soft jackets, starting a document on google drive to write and store inspirations – i’m beginning to reconsider my priorities and have found a blurry (but it’s still something) idea of what i’d like to pursue (even though i probably, won’t.)

tldr; i am extremely thankful to those who have been patient with my tired confused self this year, especially the fam, the roommate, the senpai-feels-cloud, those who have convinced me that i’m more than my salt and angst (haha) and those who have indirectly or directly inspired me to believe that my identity might not be that much of an abnormality, and perhaps even all the anger filled experiences – for helping me grow increasingly guarded, indifferent in some situations and yet more aware and comfortable in my own skin.

also, a nice song to reflect with: stars / future generations

04:15

at this time
many things

will pass

stacked on a
sleepy motorcycle,
daylight bound

through faded zebra
crossings, thin
wires candles hands

eyes open
to a small fraction

and around
the corner

soft prayers
and a warm dog.

thankful, and extremely grateful for the five days of waking up at 4am (thailand local time), watching the sunrise sleepily and always having new experiences and inspirations from the long bus rides and trips to temples and palaces – taking risks and learning to be more careful in other cases – not to mention all the eating, but that’s just a bonus. (right?)

色心不二 [shikishin-funi]

色心不二 [shikishin-funi]: oneness of body and mind, buddhist belief (or theory?). probably an apt title for an odd intertwine of religion and what religion probably, most possibly, forbids.

 

on good days we
talk about raising
children in

rusty
cantonese, light smiles
and hands left
in oblique angles

pressing the but’s and if
only’s

into a loop of air-cushioned
egg shells documenting

a
collection of
pauses.