sayang

It’s been awhile since i wrote anything remotely unfiltered, but christmas and the end of the year sounds like a good time to reflect a little. maybe i just need to remind myself that i’m really fortunate and blessed with many things – and i should be a little more thankful.

this year in short, has been a year of firsts. beginning from hostel: bets on whether we will get through the year without getting angry with each other while falling asleep at our respective tables barely 100cm away from each other with the roommate, always taking leave and going back to a pitch black room on mondays, sticking to the 11pm lights off rule and having – a pretty anti-climatic to most – but exciting enough hostel year for my tired soul.

in terms of writing, i’ve been blessed with a lot of wonderful opportunities and i’ve grown, personally and on a writing level. even though i’ve become increasingly filtered in more ways than one, it’s worth when i’ve found a voice – somewhat. with the few mentorship experiences this year, i’ve been exposed to new perspectives, learnt to be raw and sincere while keeping layers and sheets pressed against the surface.

another of these firsts include learning about what i feel about myself as an individual, be it identity, gender, sexuality, personality, anxiety, insecurities. (what’s the difference between insecurity and not being able to trust people? small thought.) revisiting these supposedly fixed or natural traits took a few months filled with apprehensive googling, watching every possible relevant video on youtube and talking to a few friends – and eventually i came to a conclusion which i am ultimately comfortable with. granted, i’m still hesitant about talking and writing about it proudly, sticking to dropping timid captions and tints of these ideas in writing instead. but eventually it should get, easier i suppose.

this year has, honestly been harder than i expected it to be. after screwing most of the social events up, stumbling through school life with heavy eyelids and soft jackets, starting a document on google drive to write and store inspirations – i’m beginning to reconsider my priorities and have found a blurry (but it’s still something) idea of what i’d like to pursue (even though i probably, won’t.)

tldr; i am extremely thankful to those who have been patient with my tired confused self this year, especially the fam, the roommate, the senpai-feels-cloud, those who have convinced me that i’m more than my salt and angst (haha) and those who have indirectly or directly inspired me to believe that my identity might not be that much of an abnormality, and perhaps even all the anger filled experiences – for helping me grow increasingly guarded, indifferent in some situations and yet more aware and comfortable in my own skin.

also, a nice song to reflect with: stars / future generations

Things that i need to write / get out of my system

(i)

Awhile back on the jet boat on the way to coral island, I took notice of the foam forming in the water behind the boat. Our boat had two motors, so there were two streams of foam. The foam followed the movement of the waves, and the two ends often clashed – and this led to one end overruling the other before they eventually left in opposing directions. For the fifteen minutes it made me think a little about people and the things that went on in society, or perhaps if society is too big a picture for me to understand, then just simply our circle of friends, or the people we interact with in the school compound. Different individuals have things that they’re good at and eventually the uneven distribution of skills in a certain area brings the concept of competition and unhappiness – jealousy, and eventually the crumbling of friendships. We compete with others, it’s nearly human nature – and when the competition ends, ties rarely surface. One wins, the other loses everything, along with his name, his identity regardless of his previous achievements because the one who reigns always gets all the attention. He finds himself falling into a little pit of dejection and feels like he’s let others down and it gets difficult to breathe, difficult to get over. In this case he’s like the fallen wave, and the winner is the one who overrules him, crushing his feeble body. Yet eventually they go their separate ways, they no longer cross paths and the memory of winning or losing alike, becomes a distant memory with only a physical entity in the form of a certificate, medal, or perhaps money, to remind or to haunt the two souls. In some sense, competition becomes something pointless, something that feels like a one-shot morale booster or, a wrecking ball. Its something that surfaces out from nothing, a bump on the road – and it needs something to push it back down, in this case a victory. But eventually it doesn’t matter. Another thought came from relating it to relationships and other thoughts. The entire concept is similar though, you meet, you have memories and create things that eventually only become specks of dust clinging to the walls in the crevices of our hearts to form cobwebs that subsequently grow large enough to wrap us within it.

(ii)

Between periods of light slumber on the bus during the long trips in Thailand, I thought about some things. I thought about what made me happy, and what made 2014 special – and this brought about the thoughts of what used to make me happy, and what used to seem to suffice to make a year special. Through such a comparison I found the aspects in which I had grown more mature in, the manner in which shallow things no longer seemed to fill the gaps fully. But I am still childish in many ways, and in terms of writing and expressing myself I’m not entirely satisfied – because perhaps everything I write still sounds as though its coming from the perspective of a foolish girl who wishes for things to get better for her without even trying to strengthen her own mental and emotional state. There are still things in me that I often feel like talking about and writing about despite knowing that it is completely irrelevant and these sudden spouts of wanting to tell people about things makes me feel especially juvenile.

But of course eventually, being able to write in the morning with a cup of tea and relatively cool weather is one of the key things that make me happy. After returning from Thailand, I spent my morning writing and it was truly blissful. It was way beyond being able to solve math questions quickly, and it was definitely beyond the morning spent on Coral Island. It brought a feeling of solace and being able to relax entirely to pen my thoughts down. It felt as though I could do this for eternity – and I do understand how inane a remark it is, but its no lie.

Another thought from being on the bus in Thailand was me questioning my supposed passion for dance. I only got into dance when I was ten, watching music videos by my favourite Korean groups. The first to mention the idea of going for a dance class was my brother who was already into dance thanks to a little exposure during a creative arts camp. With the initial feelings of admiration for the synchronized movements on screen I tagged along and picked up from there. The interest was definitely present and being able to follow the movements of those I looked up to brought great satisfaction. My brother then ventured into other areas of dance as though he had found something that truly clicked perfectly with him while I got a little hesitant while approaching contempt and modern dance. It felt a little odd to be wavering from my initial path, which I had laid out with caution, and I wondered about whether I’d be able to cope with it. After close to three years, I’d look back and see improvement, but it wasn’t at the right pace. It wasn’t quick enough, and I was still lagging behind in terms of flexibility and fluidity. I wasn’t where I should’ve been when I was approaching year four – I was supposed to be a lot more, and I’ve begun to question my abilities in contemporary dance. Of course I acknowledge fully that we aren’t a specialized group, neither are we as hardworking as other schools – our school never placed a huge emphasis on clubs and sports but it felt odd to be calling myself a dancer when I was miles behind others. The most unsettling part was that I wasn’t too far behind in our club itself, but I was afraid to step out from the comfort of our dance room because other dancers in other schools were far beyond our league even with all of our skills combined together – they had spectacular individuals with appalling confidence and skill; and we were still stuck in our daydream, or at least I was. I often tell myself that I have to improve, I have to do something about my appearance and how I’ve always been close to the chubby end. I reached my goals in year two, I improved greatly and my appearance was up to standards but I lost it towards the end of the year. I’ve been deteriorating and I’m not sure as to how to change these things. I’ve seen improvements in terms of the styles which I like, and that is at least one heartening point. There’s a lot that I need to do to catch up, and a lot which I need to be able to commit to – and I’m not sure if these wishes will get too heavy for my knees to take, and I’m not sure if I’ll crumble next year. That being said, yes, being able to practice the style I love makes me really happy, but as for contemporary dance and modern, I’m unsure if my passion is raw, or if its manufactured.

I’ve been aspiring to be an architect or interior designer but I’m aware that my skills in designing aren’t up to the mark. I’ve been told countless of times that such courses would require the student to have a ready portfolio for submission, for judging, for analyzing. I have absolutely nothing yet being juvenile I speak daringly of my aspirations. I’m unsure of my academic strengths in the months to come, when the sciences begin to take a large percentage. 2015 will be the last year with a math module to pull my GPA up and this fact alone is disconcerting. The increase in complexity of the sciences only serves to make it clearer that I need to work harder yet I’m stuck in paralysis. I have the driving force to push forward, but the wheels are stuck in the sand, or perhaps in concrete. While listening to a parent from our tour group speak about her children, it struck me that one of her children achieved the things, which I had craved for; outstanding results in sciences and an invitation to apply for the university that I have been aiming to reach. It felt odd in some sense, the fact that I might not eventually get there- and perhaps a tinge of envy.

(iii)

New year resolutions are crucial to paving one’s progress and everything in the next year so I thought it’d be really important. I’ll make it simple, short and sweet – because if its too long I’d get lazy to read it and eventually it’d be forgotten.

1. Academically
   4. Maintain my 4.5 CAP
   5. Improve on sciences, especially Chemistry and Biology.
   6. Maintain a 5.0 for Math
   7. 5 in Chinese
   8. A1 in O’s for chinese.

2. Socially- or whatever
   1. Less awkward
   2. ^ Improvement in anxiety problems

3. Others
   1. Grow taller kya. 160 would suffice.
   2. Exercise more and get back to my goal of 51 kg because.
   3. ^ muscles please. I’ll work hard for it jfc.
   4. Get the discipline to do the above.

4. Passions
   1. Clear the dances on my must-learn list
   2. Improve in contempt and all for syf and stuff.
   3. Write more, write at least twice a week.

At this point, there’s still one more thing I’d like to get out of my system but it’s stuck and I’m choking up a little, and perhaps it won’t be that easy to get rid of. But I’ll try.

thailand.

de(xei)mber part v ; Bangkok + Pattaya.

For de(xei)mber part iv, I wrote a little about our trip to Hong Kong and got lazy towards the end, leaving the details out. Perhaps today isn’t the day to fill the details in, hence the details may never make its way into the blog post given that I’ll be equally lazy for this Thailand post. But that’s alright; I’ll remember the main points and that’d suffice. Redundant words and unreasonable requests were entirely insignificant, but unfortunately they made their way into our days too often. There was a great amount of excitement before the trip though, because our flight was about to be on SQ, which we hadn’t had the chance to take for a few years. It was a relatively pleasant flight, consisting of sleep and more sleep.

On the whole, Bangkok was beautiful in its own way. The fleeting views which I took notice of mostly reminded me of driving through Malaysia, ranging from the low-rise houses to the tall and extremely large advertisement boards. We joined a group packaged tour which signified being stuck in enclosed spaces with unfamiliar souls and being transported about in a bus together with a tour guide standing in front trying to keep her balance while droning away with her monotonous voice as most of us slept – beautiful isn’t it. In her justice, she did her job satisfactorily. It wasn’t all that bad, it was just her discomfort in speaking in a second language I guess, though it’s odd since we don’t face such issues. (Cue the hash tag Singaporean education) Long road trips were aplenty, and a large amount of time was spent on traveling as a result of the heavy traffic and the huge distances between our destinations but above all it wasn’t that much of a bore. She fed us with interesting facts drilled into our heads thanks to her repeated sentences, mostly speaking of prices of property in Bangkok and how it was expensive to locals, and cheap to us thanks to our exchange rates. The weather in Bangkok was pleasant, and it was slightly cooler than Singapore. Pattaya was even better. Our trip to Bangkok encompassed things like trips to Dream World, Asiatique, the Snake Farm, shopping areas, and the Erawan Four-Faced Buddha. Our two days in Pattaya brought us to another island and to 7-eleven before dinner. 7-eleven became our saving grace in Thailand mostly because of the availability of magnum and milk for low prices.