疲累 (weary)

by ty

its been awhile since i last wrote, and alas i haven’t gotten rid of my resentment towards capital letters and the entire convention of beginning sentences with these oddly large alphabets disrupting the peace of the quite strings of words – and i’ve outdone myself, crumbling slowly but definitely, and its happening sooner than i had expected myself to. I began the year with the notion of this year being a fresh start, a year where the walls I built would keep me safe, I’d be able to bask in the comfort of exclusion, of solitude, and there wouldn’t be issues regarding stability. But of course the introduction of drops of indignant sweat pelting against the scratched surface of the corroding metal sheet brought complications, and these liquid atrocities catalysed a reaction which I had never longed for. I didn’t need baseless criticism from individuals who barely touched the subject matter while I’m a veteran – I never required acknowledgment from an entirely oblivious individual who placed greater emphasis on her list of favourite students in contrast to one’s true abilities – as a mature adult she overlooked the fact that personal attacks weren’t always accurate – for I’ve done my part in accommodating, in attempting to fit into her definition of an ideal leader, and it turned out that the nights of toiling and completing tasks without the help of those who should’ve been in charge wasn’t enough. It turned out that being there to handle tasks which were originally none of my concern, being there to complete my own tasks to the best of my abilities, being able to prove that it was effective; these things weren’t what constituted a good leader in your eyes. Perhaps being responsible wasn’t sufficient, doing things above the usual wasn’t the best idea – because if the bare minimum was not met, then the rest meant nothing. Questioning my work ethics and claiming that I set especially bad examples marked the bottom line, and I’ve lost my respect entirely – perhaps choosing someone by their name and gender was part of your agenda – attempts to get close to the student which you favoured all along. I’ve tried my best, and I’m quite tired of trying to bottle everything up and acting like I can maintain my sanity when in all honesty we are aware that its just a dream which we can continue to wish for – I have never been criticised for my work ethics and your statement sounded like nothing but a baseless sentence strung together too quickly, too quickly such that the gaps arose to form cracks and ins crumbled in its own existence.

Academics wise I’ve been decent, but its perhaps the commitments, and the weight of emotional drainage – that i’ve been wrung dry.

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